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17 July 2011 @ 06:33 pm

Worthless. Useless. Waste of space. That’s how/what I’ve been feeling lately…I don’t even feel at home in my own house. I just feel like I’m taking up space that could be used for better things. I feel like a failure, in three years of University, I’ve been on probation three times…I’m not a scholar, I’m not very good when it comes to ‘hitting the books’ and I honestly feel like I’m disappointing everybody I know. Everyone expected me to succeed, to be great…and I’m just…not. I seem to just keep failing, even when I try my hardest. I study for my exams and I barely get passing grades. I seem to have disappointed everyone I know and it just really sucks. I also only seem to get encouragement from a handful of people which is REALLY not what I need. I also hate that I am constantly compared to my younger sister who is brilliant at Uni and wants to become a doctor, while I don’t know what I wanna do. She’s smart, very smart, she’s good at saving money, she has a plan, she knows where she wants her life to go. I can barely save money, I use it on what I like and to travel while the parents would prefer that I save it for school but traveling makes me happy and I think my happiness should be number one, don’t you?


I also hate that I am at a point in my life (again) where I don’t seem to trust anyone. I have been lied to, mislead and just over all beaten when it comes to trusting people that I find it incredibly hard to trust someone. I mean, I can’t even trust my parents! My mother “cleaned” my room a week before I came home from Uni and I found out that she not only went through my personal mail but she read it all…if you can’t trust your parents, who the fuck can you trust? I just feel like I am running at a thousand miles an hour without actually going anywhere it sucks!


Have to mention this last part: I feel invisible…I feel like I’m the person people push to the side when the person they really want shows up (this has been known to happen quite a lot.) I feel it at work when the three other students start to talk about people they know (all three of them are from the same place) or when they start saying they hate French people (I am French Canadian). Yes, you can say ‘no offence’ but it’s still incredibly offensive! I just feel like I could disappear and no one would notice or even care. I have felt like this for years... honestly, I’ve felt like this ever since I gained weight. I am much, much bigger than most of my “friends” and I feel left out because of that. I could never buy clothes from the same stores as them and I hated it. I’ve tried on countless occasions to lose weight but it just doesn’t seem to work. I’ve cut out junk food and sugar and lots of other stuff to no success, and it’s come to a point where I hate myself. I’ve never been pretty, I will never be pretty and I’ve learned to accept that, it’s just how life wanted it, I guess. I have more I could rant about but I’m going to stop myself here…cause I feel like I’m annoying people with this.

Current Mood: lonelylonely
10 June 2011 @ 06:10 pm
If you were given the opportunity to spend two weeks in any country in the world free of charge, which country would you choose, and why?

England without a doubt :D I went last October and just adored the country! not to mention I've been wanting to go there since I was 7 :) I loved it to pieces :D so yep! two weeks in England for free would be fantabulous! :D haha
04 January 2011 @ 08:49 pm
here is a quick sum up of 2010...sadly, as you will notice, the only thing I can really remember is my trip LOL!!! so sorry about that haha

Okay, so I usually don’t do this newsletter stuff...but 2010 has been a BIG year for me :) I know many of you have had a shitty 2010, but for me…it’s been awesome :D

to start off, I had the pleasure of watching my now 1 year old Godson grow, which has been A LOT of fun! He is going to be an incredible person, I know it! Then I turned 20 in May...20 on the 20th...they all said it would be my lucky year and BOY were they right!! I didn’t have much of an exciting summer but when July came around, I got SUPER excited, I might get a chance to meet Jen in Toronto...which, with my luck, falls through...was I ever sad! I wasn’t all too excited about going to Toronto, but meeting Jen was going to be the highlight of my year! I was pretty down when the days where I should have been in Toronto with Jen came around, I really thought it was going to happen. One day while at work, as I doing my work (haha) I decided to search for flights to England, which I had been doing on a daily basis for fun! I remember the tears rising in my eyes as I found a SUPER cheap one...my mother would never let me travel to England...alone...to meet someone I met online! It just wouldn’t happen! I spent the entire day thinking about it and going over it in my head. Finally, when I got home, it took everything I had to sit my mother down and ask her...ask her if I could please travel to England during my week off from Uni in October to meet Jen. My mom stayed quiet for a few seconds and said: “okay.” It was like a double take! I couldn’t believe my ears! Tears flooded my eyes for a second time that day. My mom handed me her credit card and said “book now.” I rushed to the Air Canada website and booked a trip to England. I had been dying to go to England since I have been 7 years old (yes, my Spice Girls phase)...Let me tell you that the two-three months that followed were long! I couldn’t wait to get to Halifax and take that plane on Oct. 22nd!  *takes break to say:  Now, I am not one to believe that Everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that if the Toronto thing had happened, I would have NEVER gone to England! *resumes England trip* I can still remember my heart pounding as the plane landed at Heathrow, my brain was in overload with a thousand questions haha. I can still recall the second I spotted her...I ran into her arms, which was not cool ¬.¬ cause I had told myself I wouldn’t do that hahahaha whoops aaaanyways, to make a super long story short...I spent an incredible week in England that flew by WAY too fast. That was probly the highlight of my year :)

More great things about this year is Lady Antebellum, sure they’ve been around for a while but I only discovered them this year...OH...MY...GOD! How AWESOME is this band?!?! Every one of their song is love ♥ I adore them!

Now on a more personal note...I discovered A LOT about myself this year and it feels great...I’ll stop at that.


And to wrap it up…can I just mention my SUPER AWESOME INCREDIBLE friends?!? You guys are just the guiding lights in my life :) I have been through some dark times and each and every one of you have brought something to my life that have been making it better…so thanks to all of you, I am eternally grateful *super special squishy hug*

and to be completely honest, I had another bit written that I decided to leave out...if someone really wants to read it...you can ask, I can't guarantee I'll let you read it but maybe...just maybe
Current Location: Canada, Moncton
Current Mood: tiredtired
Listenin' to ♪: Celine Dion
04 January 2011 @ 08:44 pm
I wrote this a while back and thought I'd post it now:

Okay, so this is no secret to the people who know me...I have serious trust issues. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. It all began when I was 16, I got my heart broken (typical for any 16 year old) by a guy I really liked, I found out he had a girlfriend and he had somewhat been leading me on. I found out a week later ALL my friends knew he had a GF and no one had bothered to tell me. From that day on, I felt as if I could never trust anyone again, I mean, if you can’t trust your closest friends, who can you trust, right? Even now, I have a hard time letting people in and telling them stuff, and if I tell them something, there’s a little voice in my head telling me they’ll be telling someone else soon. I remember telling something to someone I really thought I could trust, only to have my mom call me two days later asking me about it...and that person was the only person I had told this...I was devastated! I couldn’t believe I couldn’t trust her! Luckily for me, I’ve found someone who I can tell pretty much everything without that little voice in my head, sure I always think she’s judging me when I tell her things haha but I love that I can tell her anyways :)


For me trust is something hard, I have built big strong walls around me and I’ve made sure that they were impenetrable by all. Earning my trust is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life, I really don’t trust easy but once I trust you, I’ll trust you for life. Losing my trust is pretty damn easy haha, it doesn’t take much for me to completely stop trusting someone. Just one little slip and it’s bye bye for you. It hasn’t happened often, but it has happened.  With my friend C, I’ve pretty much taken all the bricks down, I know I can tell her anything and it’s great. I’ve done the same with a few other friends, but lately, I’ve found myself slowly putting the brick up again with one of them...and I hate it. I hesitate to tell her stuff and I usually regret saying some things to her.  It’s not that I don’t trust her, I do, I just feel as if I can’t trust her as much, for some stupid reason that even I don’t know what it is :/ Though I still feel (and this is just me, I have a feeling she’d never do this) that everything I tell her gets told to others, like I said, I really doubt she’d do this, but it’s a nagging feeling I have *sigh*


To close up, I add a few quotes about trust that I found that I really liked:

“Trust is like a vase... once it's broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again.”

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Current Location: Canada, Moncton
Current Mood: tiredtired
Listenin' to ♪: Celine Dion
25 November 2010 @ 07:36 pm

So I know that Canada’s Thanksgiving was in October (don’t ask why, I dunno) but since today is US’s Thanksgiving, I thought I would write up a quick post of what I am thankful for :)

First and foremost, my family. Yes, I complain about my mother and sister but ya’ll know I love them to pieces and I have NO idea what I would do without them. I love my daddy too but he doesn’t get on my nerves haha and is very quiet so he doesn’t get mentioned a lot :) I am thankful for my aunts and uncles (my mom had 8 sisters and a brother, my dad has 15 siblings...HUGE family) , for all my cousins, little cousins, etc... I am incredibly thankful for my 11 month old Godson that I could not love more! He’s a little light in my life and I cannot wait to see him grow up! 

Second, I am thankful for my friends. The ones I had in school, I may not see or speak to them often but they are always there and it’s always fun to see them.

I am also incredibly thankful for ALL my online friends, when I defied my mother 6 years ago by joining an online community, I never imagined i would have so many great friends :) I have to mention a few *ahem* first of, my first online Momma, Betty Jo, who sadly died of Cancer a few years ago, not a day goes by that I don’t miss her...second, Crystal...dear Crystal, I would go NUTS without her! Crystal is my rock and my go-to girl :) I am determined to meet you eventually haha I cannot believe I have known you for 6 years!  Special mention to: Kelly, Nonna, Sunny, Johlene, Laura, Laney, Fuddy and all the girls that have been around for 6 years (yes, I used their screen names lol) 

Along the way, I met Martin, who is still a great friend and who I had the pleasure of meetingin England :) We shared a love of the band Vixen :) Through Martin, I met Tiffany, Lori and Gisel who are all amazing artists and good friends :)


I have to admit that I am thankful for Marg Helgenberger...why you ask? Well, thanks to Marg (and CSI) I met some of the best friends I will ever have :) yes, I am now at my AAM girls (I hadn’t forgotten you :P) You guys are incredible! I never thought I would meet such an incredible group of person (for a second time). I met Honor first who convinced me to join All About Marg’s forum and that’s where I met everyone :) quick mentions (if you ain’t there, there’s a reason...just wait) Jen (vanillabug), Kelly, Leah, Andry, Sharon, Suzanne, Elizabeth (EEP! Imma forget someone, if I do, I am incredibly sorry :s) now to go ‘deeper’

Honor, you are AWESOME, you got me to write my first fanfic and look where I am now! I have over 30 fanfics written :) you are an incredible friend and I cannot wait to meet you :)

Jen (LilyStarbuck): Meeting you has been, without a doubt, the highlight of my year! I cannot believe I am lucky enough to have a friend like you :) you are my second ‘go-to girl’ (and yes, I will eventually convert your Christmas grinchiness:P)

Lynette: CANNOT WAIT TO MEET YOU! It’s going to be great having you here in Canada and showing you around. You too are an unbelievable friends, I can tell you pretty much anything and I love it :)


To wrap it up and be weird :P I am thankful for all ‘my’ girlies...Emily Procter, Mariska Hargitay, Melina Kanakaredes, Sela Ward, Eva LaRue, Jorja Fox, Angie Harmon and Elizabeth Mitchell...all great role models that have made a difference in my life :) What can I say? I’m a lucky girl :)

Current Mood: thankfulthankful
19 August 2010 @ 07:22 pm
Yep! Just a random post but still hahaha so, I love the colour red (I'm sure you have already noticed by the colour of my journal hehe) and by love I mean REALLY love it hahahaha according to Wikipedia (I know, terrible source but meh!) red is often a symbol for: Sin, guilt, pain, passion, blood, and anger which kinda creeps me out cause well...I am not a angry person lol so as I was saying, I really do love Red! Almost everything I own is red! There is just something about wearing red that makes a girl feel sexy, gorgeous and powerful! (Well me anyways :) Everything I buy, if I can get it in red, I will :) My mom thinks I'm crazy for loving it so much but I do! :) I love red shoes, red shirts, red cars, red phone....red everything :D I love it :)

Now another thing about red I love is a red dress :)  I happen to think Emily Procter looks pretty in a red dress, no?

I also happen to LOVE redheads ;) a few of my favorites are Marg Helgenberger, Julianne Moore and Gillian Anderson :) Of course, there are one or two more, but i won't name them ;)

okay, my Gillian pic isn't resized and i was too lazy to reload and all the she-bang :D I'm lazy, so sue me hehe...so what is YOUR favorite color? :) lemme know in comments hehe
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Current Location: hoooome :)
Current Mood: tiredtired
29 May 2010 @ 01:52 pm
what is self-bashing you ask? Self-bashing is when you talk trash about yourself, you insult yourself and bring yourself down. Most people who do this have low self esteem (or so I've been told)...why am I blogging about this? Simple, i self-bash...A LOT (not, I have NEVER done any physical harm to myself and I would NEVER do it, i can't tolerate pain, so don't worry about that). Now, why do I do this? I do this to make myself feel better (then again, i end up in tears 3/4 of the times when i do it, but still) While some people bully, punch, insult others to make themselves feel better, I'd rather just talk trash about myself to myself, though sometimes my friends end up in the "crossfire" (sorry Jen and Crystal, I really am). Since I don't wanna hurt anyone and would never hurt anyone, i just believe that it's easier to just bash myself.

From this has come the theory that i have low self esteem...which is probly true, but i have felt like this for a loooong time, ever since about 12 years old when i started gaining weight and since then i have never been able to keep it off now matter what I do, so I've just come to terms that this is what i look like and I'll have to live with it. i hate lot of things about myself (I won't list them here) and no matter how much i try not to think about it, the imperfections are always present, so again, I've just agreed with myself to live with it. My self-confidence is in the crapper and i don't believe in myself or believe that i can do something successful, where i hit a bump in the road, is that i have no one close to encourage me to do anything to change it...i usually have someone that agrees with me, so yeah...anyways before i turn into an emo mess, imma close this up!

sidebar: did I mention, i reaaaalllyyy need a vacation? I finished Uni and two weeks later i started working, so in all, i get about 5 weeks vacation all year, while i spend the rest working like HELL or studying my ass off at Uni...not to mention, i have not had a proper vacation in like...3-4 years! (by proper vacation, i mean away from home). I'm just tired and really need to get away from my every day life! okay, mini-rant over!

on a happier note, I've fallen in LOVE with a great Celine Dion song! not just the English version but the french version, too! it's called Let Your Heart Decide (or Tous les secrets de ton cœur)...here's the vid (french version and english lyrics after the cut):

For french video and english lyrics click hereCollapse )

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tiredtired
Listenin' to ♪: Celine Dion - Let Your Heart Decide
22 May 2010 @ 11:32 am
okay, so i tried to think of a way to thank all the friends i've had in the past 20 years...and i just can't seem to find a better way than this...so for all my friends (past, present and future)...I love ya'll and thank you for always being there:

Current Mood: thankfulthankful
14 May 2010 @ 07:20 pm
Here is the post again, as is, i had deleted it for personal reasons, but a friend asked for me to re-post:

I know I don't update as much as I should/could and that I shouldn't update when I'm depressed and my emotions are a HUGE mess but the idea for this came when I was listening to music tonight and well...yeah!

So when Celine Dion came out with Taking Chances, which I L-O-V-E, I decided it would be my new motto and life plan (or path, whatever it's called)...well, let's just say I haven't taken as many chances as I wanted or could have taken and I have no idea why! I'm going to let you all into my life (something I rarely do). I'm going to use bits of the Taking Chances lyrics to do so :)

"And I've had my heart beaten down
But I always come back for more, yeah
There's nothing like love to pull you up
When you're lying down on the floor there,
So talk to me, talk to me like lovers do
Yeah walk with me, walk with me like lovers do
Like lovers do"

Let's be 100% honest here, I've had my heart broken twice...the first time was meh! but I lived...the second one, though...WOW! felt like the end of the world, I had NO idea I could hurt this much! That pretty much made me close myself up and even today, I hate and usually don't open myself to people in fear of getting hurt. I think (and am pretty sure) I've lost my ability to love...why do I say that? well let's just say it's complicated. To be honest (this is going to sound SO stupid) I'm in somewhat fragile condition in the love department and I'm going to need someone who's willing to be there with and for me as I stitch myself up and build trust! To be honest again (I'm going to try and word this in a somewhat less confusing way) I think I've found someone I could love...and I'll stop here with this (cause it's cute): "I just wanna start again, Maybe you could show me how to try"

"What do you say to taking chances
What do you say to jumping off the edge
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold
Or hell to pay"

That's practically saying live without regret...oh boy! that's something I wish I could do but I regret 90% of what I do or say when I think back on it! I know, Catherine Willows (CSI, played by Marg Helgenberger) once said: "Never doubt, never look back", oh how I wish it was that simple. I wish that I had the guts to just jump! Do something and not regret it! Do something wild and unexpected to just...screw the typical pattern that is my boring day-to-day life! Alas, I'm a scaredy cat and taking chances kinda scares the HELL outta me. To connect with the lyrics again, I'm the kind of person that will walk up to the edge, pear over and back away until it's safe to just run as far away as possible. Why I am so scared, I have NO clue but I've always been like this. I guess it's all a question of choices but I have to say that I wasn't raised to take chances, I was always told to stick to a pattern, so I did and now, I can't break free. I hope that someday I I wake up and just say "screw it" and start a whole new life for myself...but until then, all I can do is hope and dream.

Till Next time...

OH! I forgot! You can read the full lyrics here and if anyone wants to listen to the song (and watch the official video) here:
Current Location: home :)
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Listenin' to ♪: Celine Dion - Taking Chances
17 April 2010 @ 10:29 pm
I don't usually do this, but meh! thought I would to be nice...so I have a lil sister...she's 18 (imma be 20..yes, 2 year difference)...so we fight a lot, we don't get along much and we are as different as night and day (seriously, it's scary) we don't even look a like haha sometimes I wonder if we really are sisters...oh well...anyone who has a sister can agree with me on this: no matter how much we say we hate them and don't love them and would get rid of them...we love 'em to pieces and would kill someone who would dare lay a finger on her. I joined a Facebook group called: "She's my sister, hurt her, I hurt you." and I gotta say it's 100% true! There is nothing I hate more than when someone purposely hurts my sister.

Lemme tell you a bit about my sister. Poor girl has ZERO common sense and usually needs to be explained the littlest, simplest joke and I take great pleasure in calling her 'dummy', 'doofus' and 'dumbass'. She doesn't have one artistic bone in her body, she doesn't write or draw or anything and usually hates when she has to write compositions in english and french class but she is SUPER smart when is comes to Maths and Sciences (seriously, she's a genius). In elementary school, she was a little tomboy but now she's a big girly-girl LOL it's funny to look at how much she's changed, gotta love her to pieces :)

Anyways, all this to say that my sister is graduating from high school this year and I can't believe how fast time flew! I mean, I was like 'meh' when I graduated but now that she's graduating, I feel *so* old (I know, imagine when I have kids and they graduate). So her plans for now are to go to University to be a neurosurgeon (I know, she's NUTS) she's in school and pretty much all her averages are over 90% (I know, she's a lil genius)...anwyays, this weekend I went to the mall and I started shopping for cards (I love shopping for cards) and I found this perfect one for my sister:

and this is the inside of it:

Reading the card brought me to tears, so I couldn't leave it there LOL

If you have a sister (or a brother), leave me a comment to tell me how much you love them :D

OH! and sorry I don't have any pics but my sister doesn't like to have pics of her on the internet :P
Tags: ,
Current Location: Canada, Moncton
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed