Worthless. Useless. Waste of space. That’s how/what I’ve been feeling lately…I don’t even feel at home in my own house. I just feel like I’m taking up space that could be used for better things. I feel like a failure, in three years of University, I’ve been on probation three times…I’m not a scholar, I’m not very good when it comes to ‘hitting the books’ and I honestly feel like I’m disappointing everybody I know. Everyone expected me to succeed, to be great…and I’m just…not. I seem to just keep failing, even when I try my hardest. I study for my exams and I barely get passing grades. I seem to have disappointed everyone I know and it just really sucks. I also only seem to get encouragement from a handful of people which is REALLY not what I need. I also hate that I am constantly compared to my younger sister who is brilliant at Uni and wants to become a doctor, while I don’t know what I wanna do. She’s smart, very smart, she’s good at saving money, she has a plan, she knows where she wants her life to go. I can barely save money, I use it on what I like and to travel while the parents would prefer that I save it for school but traveling makes me happy and I think my happiness should be number one, don’t you?
I also hate that I am at a point in my life (again) where I don’t seem to trust anyone. I have been lied to, mislead and just over all beaten when it comes to trusting people that I find it incredibly hard to trust someone. I mean, I can’t even trust my parents! My mother “cleaned” my room a week before I came home from Uni and I found out that she not only went through my personal mail but she read it all…if you can’t trust your parents, who the fuck can you trust? I just feel like I am running at a thousand miles an hour without actually going anywhere it sucks!
Have to mention this last part: I feel invisible…I feel like I’m the person people push to the side when the person they really want shows up (this has been known to happen quite a lot.) I feel it at work when the three other students start to talk about people they know (all three of them are from the same place) or when they start saying they hate French people (I am French Canadian). Yes, you can say ‘no offence’ but it’s still incredibly offensive! I just feel like I could disappear and no one would notice or even care. I have felt like this for years... honestly, I’ve felt like this ever since I gained weight. I am much, much bigger than most of my “friends” and I feel left out because of that. I could never buy clothes from the same stores as them and I hated it. I’ve tried on countless occasions to lose weight but it just doesn’t seem to work. I’ve cut out junk food and sugar and lots of other stuff to no success, and it’s come to a point where I hate myself. I’ve never been pretty, I will never be pretty and I’ve learned to accept that, it’s just how life wanted it, I guess. I have more I could rant about but I’m going to stop myself here…cause I feel like I’m annoying people with this.